I hate all girls vehemently.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize