I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
