i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
