What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
