So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
you mean i was at the winter classic?
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
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