Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
My cat gives me a boner
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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