Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
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