He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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