wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
