I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
