he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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