i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
