I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
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