Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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