Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
