dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
