During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
