Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
God I need to hump something, right now.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
