My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I wish they made helmets for livers.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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