I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
