She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
