i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize