I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
