My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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