the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
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