i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Dear god my vagina.
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