Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
