I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
