i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Randomize
