Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
