um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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