We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
