If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
