Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
