Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
