My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
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