Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
stop calling my apartment porn island.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I need a burrito and a hug.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Can you bring me the toilet please
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Randomize
