i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
