so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
