Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
It's just like the Real World with babies
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
