I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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