***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
