thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
