Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
