We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
