the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
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