My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize