I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
