there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Randomize
