Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
