Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
