I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
