dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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