dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize