my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I hate all girls vehemently.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
