Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
