I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Randomize
