note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Randomize
