U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
