the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
