Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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