this beer tastes like vomit already
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
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