I am in a vortex of obligation.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
