She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Randomize
