Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
