I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
