I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Randomize
