I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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