i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Randomize
